Addicted to the pining

Breaking the pattern

I went paddle boarding with my queers this weekend. We were chatting about dating, about our patterns and who is looking who isn't. They all turned around and said “you pine… thats what your known for. Your not very nonchalant about it. Your pretty chalant! A certain woman named after the son of water? Ring a bell?” I turned red, super embarrassed, its the thing about me that I am trying to fix. I cannot do nonchalant, I am that person where you will know pretty blatantly and then proceed to ignore me which then makes we run after you and try to convince you Im your person. Its a problem. I am attracted to avoidance because it makes me have a mission, a Virgo job, a task I can succeed at. I also can see it and have spent the last year really trying to break the pattern. Say no. Not show up. Its hard… Really fucking hard. I feel like I finally let go of the safety net yet the reputation haunts me. People are almost waiting for me to “relapse” and go running back to what's safe because its easier loving someone who doesnt love you back then loving someone in front of your face. I am really trying hard not to, I was grateful the retreat fell on my conference week. I am grateful I left the community and I am starting to float out in this water alone. Just me and my paddle board.

Although, I am the type of person to pick subtle things up- I know what ice cream flavor your like, what music you enjoy, I learn your favorite foods. I learn all your quirks and favorite things… These are qualities that people want in a relationship right? Someone who is thoughtful, caring, perceptive, curious, loving and kind. So to me, I see nothing wrong with this. Am I wrong? Or have I been wasting all that lovely energy on people who never wanted it in the first place. Its like being at an amusement park, your full of cotton candy and you dont want to get on the Rollercoaster if you eat the funnel cake but someone is trying to continously run around and offer you funnel cake. I would be very very annoyed too to be honest. “I can decide what I want, stop trying to be a salesman and convince me your funnel cake is the best and I really want some. Please stop.” Would be response too. Honestly it would if people communicated that but most times avoidance fuels the chase because no one turns around to me and says. Please stop. I am coming to terms with this, its lovely to be with me if you want it. If you dont and I am salesman-ing your into something that isnt good for either of us. It isnt healthy and I am committing to stopping it. This is why I walked away from my ex when she kept trying to find excuses or reasons thinking I was just going to leave her. I am not convincing you that I am here and I am not chasing anyone to love me.

I dont know where to go from here, this pining reputation has permeated deep and I cant seem to escape it. I also dont want to change who I am fundamentally, I am a great partner. I AM thoughtful, caring, compassionate and kind. I am loving and sweet and perceptive. I will learn another entire language in order to better understand you! I am who I am and what I need to stop doing is chasing people convincing them that I am their person. I am going to wait, until I am with someone who wants me for who I am and what I offer. Who sees the value of me in front of their eyes. Who doesnt fundamentally want me to change. Also someone who accepts that we all have a past and trust that I learnt my lesson.

To pine after someone is to give your love to a flowing river, its nice but its not needed. It flows away from you and nothing gets reciprocated. Eventually you end up alone, bitter, tired and lonely wondering why the river won't stop flowing. I am choosing differently now. I am choosing to enter love relationships where they want it. They want all that love. They dont use “I have all I need” as a defensive shield. They actually accept and see that we exist with each other in this world. I dont need to be with anyone, I am perfectly fine paddle boarding on a river, going to yoga classes, walking the beach alone. I love my books and my hobbies. I love my life.

Can't we know we are the love that sustains us and also share that love with those who want to recieve it and reciprocate it. Can't it not be both? Is everything in this life extreme. Or do we just over complicate the simplest things- love is to be. To be loved in return is the miracle, the gift. The treasure is my own heart, the life is when we get to love one another with it. Its both.

So I no longer pine, I let go of all requires me to chase. I am with love. I am loved. I will be loved and joined in love by someone who wants and sees me for me. That is my wish and my prayer for me and for us all.

I will be full on me.